Oscars fail to be engaging as usual, I stop caring

Last night was the first time the attendees of the 2010 Academy Awards looked particularly bored as the ceremony runs approximately half an hour past its scheduled end. Last night was also the first time I didn't watch a single second of the awards (while on syndication, at least - my impression of the ceremony results from watching YouTube clips for the brief fifteen minutes they remain on the site before being deleted for copyright infringement).

Once again, the Academy plays it safe and rewards everyone we knew would be rewarded, and the Iraq War is deemed culturally more important than nature-loving blue aliens. Cristoph Waltz, the only winner who hasn't yet been chewed up and spit out by the Hollywood robot machine (everyone looks stiffer and blander every year) is also the only person to appear genuinely thrilled, humbled, and does not prompt me to throw a shoe at my television (Sandra Bullock winning an Oscar for playing a rich hick housewife in a predictable, schmaltzy, and possibly borderline-racist family film, however, does). 

Jeff Bridges also addresses the director of Crazy Heart as "man" and giggles during his acceptance speech, reminding me why The Big Lebowski is the greatest movie of all time.

Shabamzy - Sneaky Dees Ruckus Rating

The Ruckus Rating

by Shabamzy

Place: Sneaky Dees

Address: 431 College Street

Toronto, ON M5T 1T1

(416) 603-3090

College st / Bathurst st.

They call it Sneaky Dees, Stinky Dees, Deaky Sneeze, Sneaks and The Tits. They serve up Tex-mex platers that weigh in like a new born baby who needed a C-section; Masseeeve to the French. The staff, those cheerful lot of indoor panhandlers will hate you on purpose, giving you the opportunity to hate them back with equal abandon and feel good about yourself while you do it. It's the most comfortable feeling being in the company of disregard. The staff pay so little care to your needs that it allows you to relax and not have to worry about being polite or tipping anything more than the tiny top strip of a durex condom wrapper you have left from that evenings hide and seek in the mommy cave. The beer; so cheap and soapy, the table scrawl; so mindless and profane. It's a dream and it makes you feel good about yourself because it is so very base. You can wear a ninja hood into the bar, I know because I did it. You can do push-ups on the floor, apply stickers to any surface, nick the hot sauce, the wet naps and the butter knives. Bliss Mofos. Bliss.

Sneaks has been at College and Bathurst since 1990 when it moved from it's Bloor location. It's long hallway of an upstairs is where you'll go to see bands ranging from crotch throttling brilliant (Foxy Shazam April 5th 2010) to sucker punching grandma horrible (My Disco, March 27th 2009). Count on hearing loss and minimal cover charges. If you throw up in the bathroom no one will notice because every inch of the cess pool looks like a technicolor yawn. 10 points. They have a guy working upstairs that is so fast with a mop it's frightening. I've seen him get all up under a falling beer and have it mopped before it hits the floor. He's some kind of slop guru and should be patted and commended. I tipped him last time even though he gave me some sass about the drink getting knocked from my clutches by a petite blonde lass.

While you can scream, dress insane, be ignorant and belligerent at Sneaks we did manage to get thrown out. Here is the tale…. You spend a whole night on a bar crawl and land your proud bum on the splinter ridden benches of Sneaky Dees at 2:36AM. Your good friends head is dangling limp, chin to chest and his eyes are rolling back and forth like he's trying to read something on his neck. A challenge is issued by the lunatic across the table from you named Stifler. The challenge is to each chug a beer with either the entire salt shaker or entire pepper shaker emptied into your pint glass. So naturally I debate hard for pepper and we toss the poisons in. We rifle our heads to the ceiling. I've got him crushed for time and there is beer, pepper and pride leaking all over the table. Mix that with his beer, tears and sweat and you got an accurate picture of what's seeping into the carved wood table. Now, it may not have been the best for the waiter to lean over the table to collect the disgusting beer glasses. It may not have been the best time for our buddy Jamie to swipe his big mitts in the toxic mixture and flick it at my face. It was the interception of the salt/pepper/beer/sweat nectar by the waiters eyeballs that really sent us packing. His cantankerous anger, bellows of rage and indignation echoed above the Slayer riffing in the background. His shock and trembles as he cuffed my inebriated sleeping buddy on his shoulder and hauled us out. I karate kick a chair in retort and slough off the rumour that it was done with intent and waltz like debutant to the door.

I've seen a man mouth kiss a woman who was painted on the wall here. For 10 minutes.

You will love this.

Ruckus Rating = a scale out of 6 rating the amount of crazed behaviours the place tolerates before being thrown out or beaten with a wet leather jacket.

Sneaky Dees has a Rucks Rating of 5.0

Signed,

Someone who favours mass hysteria to mass complacence.

Shabamzy.

You Should Probably Avoid This

The other night I was channel surfing and stumbled on CNN, aka, What You Should Fear Today. If this isn't the biggest waste of time in our Solar System, then I'm not sure what is. I would rather plant gardenias than watch this; and boy, do I hate flowers.

I won't lie; I did briefly sit there with a smirk on my face while I read the ticker at the bottom, and of course it was all negative; US invades IRAQ, Teen Girl Missing, Terrorists Plan to Attack Again, and blah blah blah. Wouldn't it be beneficial to put jokes or even some motivational quotes that will inspire you, instead of bad news and negativity? I'll give you a hint why they don't; Fear = Control = Money = Beach House.

Everything on CNN is based around fear. To keep you afraid of the enemy, but who's the real enemy? Do you really believe Afghanistan has weapons of mass destruction? I believe it's all a facade. They need to keep you in fear so they can give you some BS excuse to invade other countries for resources and raise your taxes. Were you aware that not a single red cent of your tax money is put towards where you would think it goes. It's put towards the countries debt. What's sad is that all the media has to do say the word Terrorist and the majority of people will gladly open their wallets; especially now after 9-eleven. And if you still think Terrorists are responsible for the 9-eleven attacks, you need to give your head a shake and begin your own research. I would recommend this as your starting point.

I don't personally watch television, but when I do it's either sports or something educational like Jersey Shore The Discovery Channel or Space. I think the best thing you could do for yourself is avoid channels like CNN. When it comes down to it, all news channels are all the same. They tell you what's wrong with the world today. Do yourself a favour and avoid as much negativity as you can, including news papers and news radio. You may think it's no big deal if you're exposed to it, but you would be surprised how it affects your subconscious.

Film dork video of the week

A brilliant example of what would happen if Wes Anderson were to direct the new Spiderman reboot. I always welcome parodies of directors I can't stand.

I promise this isn't a virus. Or a Rickroll.

Thoughts on the TTC - Allen Lee

My recent experience on the blue line TTC inspired me to write in response to the related news frenzy. After a night out for a buddy's birthday, I found myself stranded on York U's campus without my original ride back downtown Toronto.  This was around 1:30 am, so to my knowledge the subway was shut down for the rest of the night. I was facing a sad $30 dollar taxi ride home when I came across an idling TTC bus with the driver having a smoke break outside. The taxi expense made me shudder, so I asked the employee about the possibility of getting home via a bus route.

"Sure buddy, you'll be doing some transferring but you'll get home," he said. I was in no rush, and since saving money was one of my strengths, I hopped on.

At the time of night, I was the only passenger to take the 41 bus down to Keele Station. The driver took off after his smoke, and suddenly I was reminded of the recent news surrounding the TTC. From passed out attendants to inappropriate coffee breaks, I felt inclined to strike up a conversation with him. I asked for his opinion and how he felt about the recent TTC situation. He glanced at me sort of surprised and with skepticism, likely to figure if I was truly interested or just drunk. Eventually he relaxed and began giving me his perspective.

I asked how it felt to be spoken for by a negative TTC driver's behaviour and having to face the consequences that might not reflect him personally.

"Actually, the driver isn't actually suspended for the coffee break," he answered. "He was suspended for being rude and escalating the situation."

I was quite intrigued at this response, and urged him to go on. According to him, the media had gotten some key facts wrong, and that the driver was actually 6 to 7 minutes ahead of schedule. Technically drivers are not allowed to arrive or leave stops earlier than schedule.

I was captivated when he began telling me that he had driven that very route a couple years ago.

"I know that route, and I know that stop where the Tim Hortons is. Its almost guaranteed that the bus will arrive 5 minutes earlier than expected," he recalled. "But I personally never took a washroom break there," he finished. "There's no running water in the washroom!"

Our conversation lasted a while longer, and he managed to get several points across. Being a passenger in the past, he was always ticked off at the way drivers went for coffee breaks during their routes. Therefore, he personally vowed never to take breaks when passengers were on board. 

I transferred buses 4 times that night to get home. Three of the four drivers gave me food for thought. One driver described an incident that happened 5 years ago. While working on the TTC subway, the driver fell victim to gang violence that ended up leaving a scar above his right eye. Apparently, the assault was committed by a newly recruited gang member. His test, or better known as "initiation", was to punch the TTC employee in the face while he was making sure the doors were shut properly before the train took off.

"Did you catch the bastard?" I asked. He snickered and said, "We're talking about the TTC here guy. He was gone like the wind."

I got off my last stop and was left with my own thoughts. The driver who drove down Yonge St. did was stuck in my head. Several homeless folk caught the bus and clumsily boarded. "You know we're not allowed to give free ride," the driver sighed. The men murmured softly and found their comfort in the back of the bus. What was the driver to do? Deny these men the ride? Adamantly deny them in the name of the TTC?

That night I felt a strong desire to begin looking deeper into the story. Personally, I am a pleased and happy customer of the TTC, and thoroughly enjoy the service. I'm sure there are many of those out there that share the same approval of our city's public transportation. But when a couple of people with their cellphones recording a worker on his coffee break and causing such useless news coverage, I feel like I've been spoken for. You are not the righteous citizen that you think you are.

Shabamzy - The Central Ruckus Rating

The Ruckus Rating

By: Shabamzy

Place: The Central

Address: 603 Markham Street, Toronto.

Annex local

Ever been handed a drink from a bartender that was supposed to be water but ended up being 100% vodka? It happens at The Central. Pour me a tall glass of sobering aqua goodness my good man! Nope. No way. Time to tell the brainstem to go real quite, still as the midnight tundra. Your feeble protests can no longer break through the 280 pound/proof Russian vodka bouncer I've thrust between your messages of restraint and the all out madness of the next four hours.

Brainstem pleads, "Don't sing every song with a thick Irish accent" It cries, "It's poor form to ransack your own purse, dump it on the floor and stealing your last $18 to buy shots for strangers". At The Central, you have no chance of sobriety or redemption. You will do these things and more. You will become a rutting savage, pure in the bliss and glee of the wild, free of your workload and the malcontents who stay home and drool. You will be sexy and advantageous in all regards. The Central will coat you in hot plastics and smear you on the opposite sex.

We call this place the Vortex. The small morsel of your brain that cares for your well being and says, "Don't dry hump the coat rack" will be sucked with gale force from your body as you enter the door. You will spend the rest of the night filling the void with candied liquors and a mouth full of foreign tongue.

They sell delicious food here as a front. You can't beat their sweet potato fries and they have wondrous sangria. Their tasty bites come at affordable prices and arrive quickly. They earn top notch for service and pleasure. It's a trick though; a ruse to make you believe you are not going to stay out too late and arrive red eyed and body buzzed to work the next morning. Clever little Central.

Our good friend left a party Lenny Kravitz was hosting to come to the Central with us. The Vortex consumed him and he spend the whole night walking around with his phone on his shoulder held aloft to show the picture of he and Lenny posing. He introduced him as though he were standing beside him. "Have you met Lenny he croaked", "yes, five times tonight chap." We've seen a candy food fight here, people walking out on a $200 bar tab, vomiting from the 2nd floor patio deck into the flora below and a guy walk straight into a window thinking he had somehow mastered the quantum physics needed for such a task. It's a prime picnic if I may say.

The Central is rated one of the premier live music venues in Toronto and has taken great steps to ensure new talent can flourish. Shabamzy plays there regularly and loads the place full to the tits with hounds and non-spade kittens. Bark and Moan we say.

Check out Justin Plet, John Tayles, The Weeds and more.

Visit Dirty Junk for 69cents play on Sunday Feb 7th for your chance to see local artist peddle their wares for extraordinary low prices. Just the name alone suggests you'd be a bed wetter not to attend.

You might not be the kind of person who looks for a mind bending local. You might be the club footed prison punk type who would rather touch a puppy while it sleeps.

Whatever type you are, you'll be welcome at The Central. Even the puppy private petters. You'll just have to stand at the front where everyone can see your hands.

Ruckus Rating = a scale out of 6 rating the amount of crazed behaviors the place tolerates before being thrown out or beaten with a rotten shoe.

The Central has a Ruckus Rating of 4.0.

Signed,

Someone who can tell your fortune by squeezing your nipples.

Shabamzy.

Link: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2268861180 The Central Facebook group.

EyeWeekly: Oscar Nominations Announced, James Cameron Continues to Bring Hilarity

Nothing new to report, except to urge you all to read this article posted on Eye Weekly, which contains estimates on what ridiculous things James Cameron will shout at the Oscars. Expect most of these to actually occur.